August 31, 2006 by Dan White.

1. You’re not offended by the term “HOMO MILK”.

2. You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette; I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.”

3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

4. You drink Pop, not Soda.

5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean

6. You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

12. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers and many more, are Canadians.

13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

14. You know what a touque is.

15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed” not “Zee”

17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.

19. You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.

20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

21. You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”. (Sas-KAT-chew-w’n)

22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’.

23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

24. “Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than,”Huh?”

25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! And then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them…further (hee hee).

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August 29, 2006 by Dan White.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you kiss me?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

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August 24, 2006 by Dan White.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, “$165,000″. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, “What kind of bets?”

The elderly woman replied, “Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.”

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, “Would you like to take my bet?”

“Certainly”, replied the president. “I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.”

“Done”, the elderly woman answered. “But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.”

“No problem”, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the
President’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same bet as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the President if she could touch them. “Of course”, said the president. “Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.”

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, “Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!

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August 23, 2006 by Dan White.

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it.

They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don’t rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN.

If you have chosen:

a Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
b. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfilment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquillity and all that other profound stuff.

Also, I’ll bet that right now you would like to find me and kick me in the ass.

Well, You won’t find me….because I am still hunting down the bastard who sent this to me………….

Waste someone’s time…forward to a friend!

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August 22, 2006 by Dan White.

The Life Cycle I think the life cycle is all backwards You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

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August 18, 2006 by Dan White.

Letter to the Editor.

Dear Editor,
I invested in a restaurant that just went belly up. How do I account for my investment loss in my BKS Bookkeeping and how is it handled on my tax return?
Randy Restauanteur,

Dear Randy,

To record investment income or losses, open your BKS and go to Income Central. Once at Income Central, click on Investment Income and it will take you to your Investment Income Worksheet. There you can record your information and add any relevant notes for your tax preparer to use to complete your tax return.

This investment is likely best handled as an ABIL in order to maximize your tax benefits. See the comments below on Allowable Business Investment Losses.

Best Regards
Dan
Allowable Business Investment Loss (ABIL)
A loss realized from the arm’s-length sale of shares or qualifying debt of an SBC may qualify as a business investment loss. Similarly, a loss upon the deemed disposition of an uncollectible debt of an SBC or the shares of a bankrupt SBC may also qualify. Taxpayers may also claim an allowable business-investment loss (ABIL) if they continue to hold shares or debt in an SBC that has become insolvent.
For payments made under an arm’s-length guarantee on a debt owing by an SBC the taxpayer will, within certain time limitations, still be able to claim an ABIL on principal repayments made under that guarantee, even though the business no longer qualifies as an SBC.
A business investment loss is calculated the same way as a capital loss, except it may be applied against all income, not just capital gains. One-half of the business-investment loss may be applied against other income in the year the loss is realized. Unused portions of a non-capital loss may be carried back three years with the balance carried forward 10 years, effective for a taxation year that ends after March 22, 2004 (up from seven years previously). Any balance remaining at the end of the 10-year carry forward may only be applied against future taxable capital gains.
The deductible amount of an individual’s ABIL must first be reduced by any previously claimed capital gains deduction. If any allowable business loss is deducted from income, an equal amount of taxable capital gains must be realized and reported as income in subsequent years before the capital-gains deduction becomes available.
Where a corporation is insolvent and neither it nor a corporation controlled by it carries on business, the taxpayer will be allowed to elect a disposition for tax purposes and realize the loss. If that corporation or another controlled by it commences carrying on business within 24 months, the taxpayer must recognize a gain equal to the loss claimed in the year the business recommences.
An election under the Income Tax Act to claim a loss on debt or shares of an insolvent company applies to claiming capital losses even where the company is (was) public.

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August 15, 2006 by Dan White.

An unemployed man is desperate to support

his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm

and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him,

“You will be hired at minimum wage of $7.35 an hour.
Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get
you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail
you all the forms and advise you when to start and
where to report on your first day”

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and
has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, “You must understand
that to a company like ours that means that you
virtually do not exist. Without an
e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed
by a high-tech firm. Good day.”

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn
and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’
market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of
beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it
to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less
than 2 hours he
sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day,
he ends up with almost $100 and arrives
home that night with several bags of groceries for
his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato
business the next day. By the end of the week he is
getting up early every day and working into the
night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to
transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but
before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a
broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His
two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help
him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the
tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at
the community college so she can keep books for
him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very
nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously
unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He
continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he
owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his
wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the
boys manage. The tomato company’s payroll has put
hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work.
His daughter reports that the business grossed over
one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life
insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an
insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the
adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents
electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to
mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the
insurance man is stunned,
“What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No
Internet? Just think where you would be today if
you’d had all of that five years ago!”

“Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years
ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and
making $7.35 an hour”

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you’re probably
closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

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August 9, 2006 by Dan White.

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.  So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping–Love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.  You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”

Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time………Priceless.

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August 8, 2006 by Dan White.

ubject: Questions about Canada

Now that Vancouver is to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are jokes, and the questions are hilarious; but sadly the questions were really asked. (Really sad. )

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? UK)  A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto, can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let’s not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in  Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegans. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.
It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

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August 1, 2006 by Dan White.

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

Mary had a little sheep

And with the sheep she went to sleep

Mary had a little lamb.

Mary had a little skirt

It buttoned up the side

And everywhere that Mary went

You could see her hide.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

“What have you got there?”

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

“Pies, you dumb skibare”

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings’ horses,

And all the kings’ men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the dog took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad……..

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo,

and a sports  car.

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