Hallo weeny Jokes…

October 31, 2006 by Dan White.

Halloween History http://www.halloween.com/history_halloween.php

Corny Halloween Jokes For The Office…
What would a Halloween edition newsletter be without a few corny jokes like:

Q: “What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?”

A: “A stake sandwich!”

Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

A: It had no guts!

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

Q. What is a Mummie’s favorite type of music? A. Wrap!!!!!

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. What’s a monster’s favorite bean? A. A human bean.

Q. Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A. A sand-witch.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire? A. You suck.

Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A.Ghoul

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar? A. For the Boos.

Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A. He was all bite and no bark.

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? A. He didn’t have a haunting license.

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party? A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A. At the casketeria.

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A. He is mist.

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football? A. Over the ghoul line.

Q. Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat. A. Because of the coffin.

Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater? A. Because he is always a goblin.

Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A. A toasty ghosty.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? Q. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. What tops off a ghost’s ice cream sundae? A. Whipped scream.

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine’s day? A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q. What are ghosts’ favorite kind of streets? A. Dead ends

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday? A. Fangsgiving

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a.

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road? A. To go to the body shop.

Q. What happens when two vampires meet? A. It was love at first bite!

Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective? A. Sherlock Moans.

Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married? A. Newlywebbed

Q. What is a ghosts favorite place on the web? A. www.halloween.com!

Q. Who was the most famous witch detective? A. Warlock Holmes

Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop? A. Scream or sugar!

Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A. Sherlock Bones.

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton? A. Napoleon bone-apart

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York? A. The Vampire State Building.

Q. Where do most werewolves live? A. In howllywood, California

Q. Where do most goblins live? A. in North and South Scarolina.

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his porche? A. At a ghastly station.

Q. What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? A. Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Q. Why did the skeleton go disco dancing? A. to see the boogy man.

Q. What do witches use in their hair? A. scare-spray

Q. What do you call a little monsters parents A. mummy and deady

Q. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A. sour-puss

Q. How do you scare a mummy A. with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy.

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet? A. blood-thirsty hacker baby

Q. What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a skwaush? A. a squashed pumpkin pie.

Q. Why do ghosts shiver and moan? A. It’s drafty under that sheet.

Q. What instrument do skeleton play? A: Trom-BONE.

Q. What do ghosts eat for breakfast? A. Boo-Berries.

Q. What is a vampires favorite place on the web? A. www.halloween.com!

Q: Why did’t the skeleton cross the road? A: He had no guts.

Q. Why do vampires scare people? A. They are bored to death!

Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? A. Every night he turns into a bat.

Q. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? A. It’s a pain in the neck.

Q. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q. What songs does Dracula hate? A. “You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my Shoulders.

Q. What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? A. Ok, that’s a wrap.

Q. How does a girl vampire flirt? A. She bats her eyes.

Q. What is a vampires least favorite food? A.Steak

Q. What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A. A grave problem.

Q. Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula? A. He has a bat temper.

Q. Why did Dracula go to the dentist? A. He had a fang-ache.

Q. Why are vampires like false teeth? A. They all come out at night.

Q. Who does Dracula get letters from? A. His fang club.

Q. What kind of key does a skeleton use? A. A skeleton key.

Q. What kind of gum do ghosts chew? A. Boo Boo Gum.

Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? A. To stop his coffin.

Q. Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes? A. Sandals don’t look good with his tuxedo.

Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? A. Give him screws.

Q. What can’t you give the headless horseman? A. A headache.

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business? A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What is a ghosts favorite sale? A. A white sale.

Q. What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A. A boo-tie.

Q. What’s a ghosts favorite desert? A. Boo-berry pie.

Q. What type of dog does every vampire have? A. Bloodhound!

Q. What’s a monsters favorite desert? A. I-Scream!!

Q. 1ST PERSON: KOCK,KOCK

2ND PERSON: WHO’S THERE?

1ST PERSON: PHILLIP

2ND PERSON: PHILLIP WHO ?

1ST PERSON: ÊFILL UP MY BAG WITH CANDY !!!

2ND PERSON: HA,HA,HA (LOL)

Q. Why do girl ghosts go on diets? A. So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Q. When does a ghost have breakfast? A. In the moaning.

Q. What do ghosts drink at breakfast? A. Coffee with scream and sugar.

Q. Where does a ghost go on vacation? A. Mali-boo.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. Where did the ghost get it’s hair done? A: At the boo-ty shop.

Q. Riddle: the maker does not want, it the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? A. a coffin.

Q. What do they teach in witching school? A. Spelling.

Q. Why does a witch ride a broom? A. Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Q. What do you call a witch’s garage? A. A broom closet.

Q. What do you call two witches living together? A. Broommates.

Q. Why don’t mummies take vacations? A. They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

Q. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? A. Spelling

Q: Why can’t Boy Ghosts make babies?? A: Because they have Hollow-Weenies!

Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street? A. He was dying to get to the other side!!

Q. Where do ghosts go out? A. Where they can get boooooo-ze.

Q. Where do ghosts go out? A. Where they can get sheet-faced.

Q. What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car? A. Fasten your sheet belts.

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to see a scary movie? A. He didn’t have the guts.

Q. What did the corpse’ mom do when her son was bad? A. Ground him

Q. Why was the mummy so tense? A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A. Because he had bat breath.

Q. Why don’t ghost have bands? A. They get booooooooooed.

Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.

Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins? A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.

Q. What did the bird say on Halloween? A. Trick or tweet!

Q. Why do skeletons drink milk? A. To help their bones!

Q. What’s a Vampire’s least favourate song? A. Another one bites the dust!

Q. What is a Skeleton’s favorite song. A. Bad to the Bone

Q. Whats a ghost’s favorate type of car? A. A boo-ick

Q. Where do ghost go for fun? A. To the boo-vies

Q. What’s a skeletons favorite part of the house? A. the living room

Q. What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Haloween? A. Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.

Q. What do u get when theres a witch in the desert? A. You get a sandwich.

W. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? A.it raises their spirits.

Q. Why can’t a Skeleton Lift Weights? A. He’s all bone & no muscle.

Q. What is a vamire’s favorite fruit? A: A necktarine

Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating? A. Bone appetite

Q. What do gosts call there girl friends? A. There goul friends.

Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A. So long sucker!

Q. What did the goblin say to the witch? A. I don’t know you tell me!

Q. Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? A. Becuse he had no body to go with.

Q. What is a ghost’s favorite band? A. The Boos Brothers

Q. What did Dracula have for dessert? A. Whine & Ice scream

Q. What is Dracula’s favorite restaraunt? A. Murder King

Q. What is a Ghost’s favorite food? A. HamBoogers

Q. What is in a ghost’s nose? A. Boogers

Q. What was the mummies’ vacation like? A. Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.

Q: What did tha boy ghost say to the girl ghost? A: You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!

Q. Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A. A pumpkin patch!!!

Q. Where do vampires keep their money? A: The blood bank!!!

Q. Who are some of the were-wolves cousins? A. The what-wolves and when-wolves.

Q. What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? A. They suck! (or they bite!)

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Kids are a write off. How to know how much to pay them.

October 25, 2006 by Dan White.

To determine how much to pay your children:

Add up all the hard costs, school, lessons, clothes, books, allowance, etc.

Determin how many hours per year your child can work for you.

Divide the hours into the Amount.

Make sure the amount is within industry norms for that kind of work.

Keep detailed records of tasks assigned, reviewed and approved for payment.

Keep track of all cheques, and if paying by cash, keep the receipt for cash payments.

Make sure the work relates to your business and record it accordingly in your BKS under “Cost of Labour.”

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I have been diagnosed with having a serious medical condition.

October 25, 2006 by Dan White.

The results are in. I suffer from a terminal condition. I am suffering from receding youth. A complicated condition of which there is no known cure.

Dan White

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Imporant Tax Dates

October 12, 2006 by Dan White.

February 28th - T4 slips & T5 slips

March 1 - RRSP contribution

April 30 - Personal Tax Return (other than self employed individuals)

April 30 - GST owing on self employment income

April 30 - Personal taxes owing (self employed included)

June 15th - Personal tax return for self employed individuals and their spouses

June 15 - GST return for self employed individuals

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Bank Fees

October 10, 2006 by Dan White.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank: *and 1. Family Member: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.” 2. Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.” 3. Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.” 4. Bank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.” 5. Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?” 6. Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!” 7. Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?” 8. Bank: “Excuse me?” 9. Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?” 10. Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.” Supervisor gets on the phone: 1. Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.” 2. Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.” 3. Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?” 4. Bank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?” 5. Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given) 6. Bank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?” 7. Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given) After they get the fax: 1. Bank: “Our system just isn’t set-up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.” 2. Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.” 3. Bank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.” 4. Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?” 5. Bank: “That might help.” 6. Family Member: ” Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129,Plot Number 69.” 7. Bank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!” 8. Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

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What happens to my RRSP if I die?

October 2, 2006 by Dan White.

What happens to my RRSP if I die? When you die, the value of the funds in your RRSP will be included in your income and will be taxed when your final tax return is filed. However, if you have a surviving spouse, the RRSP may be rolled over tax-free to the survivor, who then becomes the annuitant, or holder, of the RRSP. This provision can also apply to a common-law partner. A tax-free rollover may also be made to a dependent child or grandchild, who may use the funds to purchase an annuity with a term not exceeding 18 years, minus the age of the child.

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If I work outside Canada, can I still contribute to my RRSP?

October 2, 2006 by Dan White.

If I work outside Canada, can I still contribute to my RRSP? If you work outside Canada, you may continue contributing to your RRSP only if your earnings are considered earned income in Canada. You may want to contact your local taxation office to clarify your situation.

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What happens to my RRSP if I become bankrupt?

October 2, 2006 by Dan White.

What happens to my RRSP if I become bankrupt? If you go bankrupt, creditors can seize your RRSP. An insurance company RRSP with a named beneficiary may be creditor-proof, but not if you open the plan with the intention of avoiding your creditors. If this is an issue for you, you may want to seek professional advice. Creditors can legally seize your RRSP.

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What happens to my RRSP if I leave Canada and become a non-resident?

October 2, 2006 by Dan White.

What happens to my RRSP if I leave Canada and become a non-resident? If you leave the country and become a non-resident, you can leave your RRSP in place, but you will not be eligible to make further contributions unless you have earned income in Canada. CCRA’s Pension and RRSP Tax Guide explains how to calculate earned income if you are a non-resident. If you become a resident of the U.S., amounts earned by your RRSP investments after you leave the country may be subject to U.S. income tax. If decide to cash in your RRSP after you have become a resident of another country, 25 per cent of the proceeds will be withheld in Canada.

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The Correct Way to come home drunk.

October 2, 2006 by Dan White.

The correct way to come home drunk
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee
down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife
STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says
“Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush,
throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into
bed, slap her on the ass and say, ‘WHO’S WANTS TO MAKE MAD PASSIONATE DRUNKEN LOVE????!!!’ and
………….she acts like she’s sound asleep!

It Works Every Time!”

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