Bad Cheques and an 86 year Old Women

August 13, 2007 by Dan White.

BOUNCED CHECK” Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.
       Dear Sir:
       I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between presenting the check and the arrival
in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
       I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
       You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
       I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
       From now on I choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
       My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
       Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
       Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me
       I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
       Let me level the playing field even further.
       When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER
DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH!
       #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4. To
transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To transfer the
call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the
call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned
earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
       7 #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #
10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
       While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, music noise
will play for the duration of the call.
       Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

       Your Humble Client

       (Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman) ‘YA JUST GOTTA
LOVE” THE SENIORS” !!!  

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