January 18, 2010 by Dan White.

This gave me a good laugh, I was in the middle of fussing about an idiot from CRA when this came in and lightened my day of dealing with tax problems.

Dan

“A lady came to see me about a legal problem.  She said a friend of hers was a former client of mine and had recommended me.  That made me feel rather good, and so I decided to stretch the compliment by asking what her friend had said about me.  The woman replied, ‘She says you’re an a$$hole but you did a good job’.”

And here’s from a judge  “I presided over a trial in which an RCMP officer testified that he was on patrol in a rural area when the car ahead of him drove into the ditch, back onto the highway, back into the ditch then across a field into a tree.  The officer walked across the field to the car and said to the driver, ‘Have you been drinking?’  The man replied, ‘Of course I’ve been drinking.  Do I look like a f*cking stunt driver?’”

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July 14, 2009 by Dan White.

A man owned a small farm in Ontario.  HRDC claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help
and sent an agent out to interview him.

“That would be me”, replied the farmer.

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December 1, 2008 by Dan White.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking
for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his
stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, ‘No, I’d like to
see something more special.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,’by
check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. ‘There’s no money in that
account.’ ‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my
weekend!’

All Seniors Aren’t Senile

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October 7, 2008 by Dan White.

Election Wishes….

Dion , Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus

to a gathering in British Columbia when Dion turns to Harper and says, chuckling,

Harper shrugs and replies,
‘Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy.’

Not to be outdone, Layton says,
‘Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills
out the window and make a hundred people happy.’

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
‘Such arrogant jerks back there.
Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32 million people happy!!!’

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January 28, 2008 by Dan White.

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For Smuggling Diamonds’

7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy.’

8 . Dont use any punctuation

    9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?

    14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won!, I Won!’

    18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!’

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity…….

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January 17, 2008 by Dan White.

Baby Boomer

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January 17, 2008 by Dan White.

A Bozo’s Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February  
Fired from pharmacy job  for failing to print labels…..
Helllloooo!!!…….bottles  won’t fit in printer !!!

March
Got really  excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months….. box said ‘2-4  years!’

April
Trapped on escalator for  hours …. power went out!!!

May
Tried to make  Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of
water won’t fit into  those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water  skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke  swimming competition…..learned later,
the other swimmers  cheated, they used their arms!!!

August  
Got locked out of my car  in rain storm….. car swamped because  soft-top was open.

September  
The capital of California  is ‘C’…..isn’t it???

October
Hate M &  M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November  
Baked turkey for 4 1/2  days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh  108!!

December     
Couldn’t call 911 .  ’duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’  button on the stupid phone!!!

THE  BEST BOZO JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A  man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the  mailbox.

A  little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box  and again,   opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into  the house she went.

‘My  stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE

GOT MAIL!’  

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January 17, 2008 by Dan White.

This compilation was done my our team member Michel Chevalier. It is an excellent summary of what you need to know about considering being an executor to an estate.

My point to it all is be awfully sure you are doing the right thing by saying “yes” to being an executor.

Dan White

ESTATE EXECUTOR – DUTIES & LIABILITIES – MICHEL’S NOTES

People often feel honored to have been asked to become an executor of an estate and almost as often agree and find that they have gotten themselves into something far more onerous and challenging than ever they thought with a great deal of potential for trouble and strife and of course far more potential liability for themselves than they imagined when they accepted the role.

My own personal experience comes from being involved as a family member (not executor) in settling my father’s estate. He died 2 years ago leaving my mother as executor.

I thought for years that everything was all planned and lined up as they had been to a Bay Street law firm for advice. The will was ok but there wasn’t a thought out plan and as a result 2 years later ‘things’ keep popping up:

· We were able to avoid probate in Ontario as the estate was not large.

· We have family property in Quebec and have subsequently found out that even for my mother to inherit the property from my father we have to go to probate in order for ownership to be transferred to her; this is still pending

· Little loose ends keep cropping up such as my father’s name still being on title for my mother’s condo; this held up her mortgage renewal for over a month

· The estate is still not closed so I don’t know what else we might expect

The moral of this little story is that you need to have a plan that takes everything into account, not just the will. Most important, get good advice but don’t rely solely on this. Do some research, take charge of your own situation…don’t leave it all to others. In the end it is all up to you (pun intended).

EXECUTORS

Here are some additional thoughts on what is involved in becoming the executor of someone’s estate. I have followed this up with a simple checklist, which while not totally comprehensive, will provide a good idea of some of the complexity involved in winding up an estate.

The truth is, settling an estate can be a very complicated and time-consuming process. It can mean a deluge of responsibilities that could take years to carry out: managing investments, selling real estate, dealing with upset beneficiaries, even making funeral arrangements. And you may be trying to accomplish all of this while you yourself are mourning the loss of your loved one. What’s more, executors are personally liable, so it will be your responsibility to see to it that everything gets done - and gets done properly.

While many of are quick to accept the role, very few understand the full extent of what’s involved or the magnitude of the responsibility. Being an executor can be an onerous and time consuming job that takes at least a year and on average anywhere between 18 months and four years to complete. And, in some cases, it can lead to damaging family quarrels or expensive liability issues.

If you’re considering, or have accepted, a request to be an executor for someone’s estate, there are some important considerations to bear in mind.

Executor duties are numerous

Whether it’s collecting life insurance, applying for death benefits, filing a tax return or making a probate application, the range and complexity of executor responsibilities can be daunting. In fact, depending on the size of the estate, there can be upward of 70 individual tasks expected of an executor, some of which can carry a liability risk.

Estates can take a very long time to settle

An important question to ask yourself before accepting the role as an executor: Do you have the time to settle the estate? Depending on the size and complexity of the estate, an executor’s work can take anywhere from an average of 1year, to up to four years, and there is usually some pressure to have the estate settled as quickly as possible to make sure the beneficiaries realize the full value of their inheritance.

You may be working through your own grief and sorrow

Dealing with the death of a loved one is often very difficult, and the added demands of settling that person’s estate can make the situation far more trying. Be sure to ask yourself how well you think you’ll be able to carry out your duties while in mourning yourself, and don’t be afraid to raise your concerns with the person who has asked you to be his or her executor

Consider family dynamics

Don’t be shy to ask if there is existing family tension and to consider how a dispute among family members and friends may affect you. As the executor, you may have to deal with discontented beneficiaries, especially if the estate is unequally distributed. Sometimes it can help to share the load with a professional trust officer who is sensitive to the complexities of family dynamics – their presence throughout the estate settlement process can help to minimize family conflict during what is often a very emotional time.

You can say no

If you feel uneasy about being named an executor or you don’t think you’ll be able to handle the responsibility effectively, one option is to decline the role. If it’s not something you feel you can turn down, but you still have concerns about dealing with all the duties involved, another option is to seek out assistance.

Get help!

Remember, the burden doesn’t have to fall upon you alone. If you agree to be an executor, it would be well worth considering seeking professional assistance for some or all of your duties – whether that assistance is provided by a lawyer, an accountant or a trust officer for trust services company. Furthermore, although in most cases as executor you are liable for the estate settlement decisions, working with the expertise of a professional can give you confidence that your fiduciary duties are being met.

General

· Arrange the funeral and cremation or burial of the deceased.

· Obtain the death certificate and certified copies.

· Locate and review the instructions in the original will.

· Meet with the lawyer that will represent the estate in all legal matters.

· Submit an application to the provincial court for the Probate Certificate or Grant of Probate.

· Arrange probate fees or taxes to be paid to the provincial court.

· Locate all beneficiaries, including charities, and notify them that they have an interest in the estate under the terms of the will.

· Explain your role to the beneficiaries.

· Notify the spouse of any entitlement he or she may have under family law and recommend the spouse receive independent legal advice.

· Assess the rights of any dependents who were financially dependent on the deceased at the time of death.

· Keep the beneficiaries informed as to the progress of administering the estate.

· Review all personal papers of the deceased to help locate the deceased’s assets and debts, key contacts, tax information, etc.

Deal with Government Benefit Programs

· Cancel Old Age Security benefits.

· Contact the Income Security Office to stop CPP cheques, or the Quebec Pension Plan Office for QPP cheques.

· Apply to CPP/QPP for any death benefits the deceased qualifies for.

· Apply to CPP/QPP for any surviving spouse and dependent pension benefits.

· Contact Human Resources Development Canada to cancel the deceased’s Social Insurance Number (SIN).

· Contact social security office in the U.S. to stop benefits.

· Apply to the social security office in the U.S. for any death or survivor benefits.

· If deceased is retired from the military, contact the appropriate veteran’s office to receive any application benefits.

Obtain all Benefits Payable to the Estate

· Contact all service clubs and veterans clubs for death benefits that may be payable to the estate.

· Obtain all unpaid wages and other benefits from the deceased’s former employer.

· Contact all of the deceased’s employers (current and former) to determine if any pension or survivor benefits exist.

· Apply for any amounts payable to the estate under life insurance policies.

· Determine the options available for any remaining pension plans or annuities, and determine if the monthly income should continue, or the commuted value be paid out.

Manage the Assets of the Estate

· Prepare a detailed inventory of the deceased’s assets, including the contents of the deceased’s safety deposit box.

· Locate all bank accounts of the deceased, and determine the balance on deposit for each account. Notify the financial institutions of the death.

· Search for any unclaimed bank accounts.

· Open a bank account for the estate and transfer the deceased’s bank accounts to the estate bank account.

· Re-register the accounts and assets of the deceased into the name of the estate, for example, “The estate of…”

· Obtain statements showing the value of the deceased’s investments as of the date of death.

· Obtain statements showing the value of the deceased’s RRSPs/RRIFs as of the date of death.

· Cancel any pre-authorized savings programs (PACs) or systematic withdrawal programs (SWIP), as well as any pending securities trades.

· Review the investment strategy, and adjust if necessary.

· Arrange for the storage of assets requiring it, and advise insurers of any physical assets of the deceased. Arrange for any insurance coverage required.

· Review all real estate documents including, deeds, mortgages and issues.

· Arrange for valuations of any assets of the estate, such as personal property, real estate, cars, etc.

· Cancel the deceased’s driver’s license, newspaper and magazine subscriptions, telephone, cable TV, internet subscription, as well as memberships to any clubs.

· Arrange with the post office for mail to be redirected, if necessary, and notify all interested parties of the change of address.

· Obtain deeds for real estate, and arrange to sell the real estate, if necessary.

· Obtain share certificates for bonds, stocks, or GICs not held at a financial institution.

· Transfer or cancel any insurance policies on the house, car, boat, etc., where appropriate.

· Sell any estate assets that must be sold, and those which the personal representative chooses to sell (provided this power is given to the executor in the will).

· Close the safety deposit box.

Settle the Bills of the Estate

· Identify all the liabilities of the deceased.

· Determine the outstanding balances of all personal debts.

· q q q Arrange for publication of the notice of “Advertisement for Creditors and Others” in a local paper to locate parties who may have a claim against some or all of the estate and would be paid prior to a distribution to any of the beneficiaries.

· q q q Settle all just claims and debts of the deceased, including credit cards, consumer debt and mortgages.

· Cancel credit cards.

· Settle the bills of the estate; creditors, funeral expenses, and other expenses.

· Determine if there are sufficient assets in the estate to pay all liabilities and income tax before making any interim distribution to the beneficiaries, so you do not take on any personal liability for the tax bill.

File the Tax Returns

· Prepare and file the tax returns for any years prior to the date of death that have not yet been filed.

· Identify opportunities and make the appropriate elections to reduce the tax bill of the deceased, including using the spousal rollover, applying capital losses, and contributing to a spousal RRSP.

· Prepare and file the final tax return for the deceased, as well as any optional returns.

· File any tax returns required for assets held outside of Canada, including those required by the IRS.

· File estate tax returns (T3) for each year the estate exists, if necessary.

· Pay all income tax due or obtain an income tax refund, as applicable.

· Obtain the tax clearance certificate from the Canada Revenue Agency.

Distribute the Assets of the Estate

· Assess any immediate need for cash that the surviving spouse may have.

· Distribute the assets and property of the estate to the beneficiaries according to the instructions in the will and restrictions on the distribution of the estate.

· For accounts registered jointly with rights of survivorship, request the account be transferred to the surviving tenant.

· Arrange to have the RRSP/RRIF transferred or rolled over to named beneficiaries.

· After the tax clearance certificate is obtained, transfer title, and distribute any remaining assets or property in the estate.

· Discuss any “in kind” distributions with the beneficiaries.

· Complete the paperwork necessary to transfer stocks and other securities.

· Establish any testamentary trusts, according to the instructions in the will.

· Obtain receipts and/or release forms from all beneficiaries.

Other

· Prepare an accounting of the estate.

· Calculate the fees payable to the executor.

· Obtain reimbursement for all necessary and reasonable expenses incurred in the administration of the estate (with receipts).

· Pay legal fees and all other outstanding fees related to the administration of the estate.

· Pass accounts before a provincial court judge, if necessary.

· Close the estate bank account.

The above list of duties is for information purposes only and is not to be considered tax,

financial, or legal advice.

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October 15, 2007 by Dan White.

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September 25, 2007 by Dan White.

I was in Wall-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog, and was in
line to check out.  The woman behind  me asked if I had a dog……
Duh!!  I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse,  I told her NO.  I was
starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because
I’d ended up in the hospital the last time, but that I’d lost 50 lbs.
before I’d awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out
most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

   
  Her eyes bugged out of her head.  I went on with the bogus diet story
and she was totally buying it.  I told her that it was an easy,
inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or
purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two you feel
hungry.  The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.   

  I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now
enthralled with my story, particularly the tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.  I said no…. I’d been sitting
in the middle of the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
   
  I thought the tall guy behind her was going to have to be carried
out…. 

Signed

Anonymous

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August 13, 2007 by Dan White.

BOUNCED CHECK” Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.
       Dear Sir:
       I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between presenting the check and the arrival
in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
       I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
       You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
       I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
       From now on I choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
       My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
       Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
       Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me
       I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
       Let me level the playing field even further.
       When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER
DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH!
       #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4. To
transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To transfer the
call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the
call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned
earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
       7 #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. #
10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
       While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, music noise
will play for the duration of the call.
       Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

       Your Humble Client

       (Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman) ‘YA JUST GOTTA
LOVE” THE SENIORS” !!!  

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July 19, 2007 by Dan White.

A Death

My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living

the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. 

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

“Yes, Nurse Tracy ,” said Mr. Wallace,

“My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.”

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

“Mr. Wallace,” she said, “you shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”

But, Nurse Tracy,” replied Mr. Wallace,

” I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”

“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”

You gotta love this  … 

“Well, he replied, ‘Today’s the viewing

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July 19, 2007 by Dan White.

Victoria’s Secret

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife.  He is shown several possibilities that range from $250
to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price.  He opts for the
sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. 
 
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for
him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea.  It’s so sheer that it
might as well be nothing.  I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling
Naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself”. 
 
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. 
Her husband says, “Good Lord!
You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.
 
Funeral on Friday.

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June 7, 2007 by Dan White.

   Happy IVGLDSW Day!
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman’s Day, so
please send this message to someone you think fits this description.
Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a
Very Good Looking, Darn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live
by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a
ride!” Have a wonderful day!
To the Girls !!
Inside every older person is a younger person — wondering what the
hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually
shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being –
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain’t no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
If you can’t be a good example — then you’ll just have to be a
horrible warning.
-Catherine-
I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me
over!!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can
change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.
   Margaret Mead
 

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June 1, 2007 by Dan White.

MORRIS & SADIE-A JEWISH MOAN

Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.

Morris asked her what was wrong.

She said, “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’re having an affair vid your secretary. Vy vould you do that to me? I’ve always been a good vife. I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and have always been by your side for 35 years. Vhat haven’t I done to make you happy?”

Morris replied, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best vife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all vays but one. You never MOAN ven we have sex.”

Sadie said, “If I moaned vhen ve have sex, vould you stop running around?

Morris said “Yes!”

All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can MOAN during sex.”

They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into bed.

As they started kissing, Sadie said, “Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”

He said, “No, not yet.”

He started to fondle her and she said, “What about now? Should I moan now?”

He said, “No, I’ll tell you when.”

He climbed on top of her and started to move around.

She said, “Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?”

He said, “Vait, Vait, I’ll tell you Ven.”

A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to finish, he said “Now, Sadie. MOAN, MOAN!”

She said, “OY, YOU VOULDN’T BELIEVE VAT A DAY I HAD!” 

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March 31, 2007 by Dan White.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 

“I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but 

then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re

not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail  Mary’s

and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked 

over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to 

leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 

“I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and

according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

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March 20, 2007 by Dan White.

-       Woke up early in the morning? Don’t want to get up and go to work? Open the “Forbes” magazine and find your name on the list.
Couldn’t find it? So get the f…. up and rush to work!!!!

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March 20, 2007 by Dan White.

A man came home from work,sat down in his favoriate chair, turned on the TV, adn said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it sarts.”

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Qucik, bring me another beer. Its going to start.”

This time she looked a lottle angry, but brought him another beer. When it iwas gone, he said “Quick bring me another beer before it starts.”

Thats it, she blew her top.

“You lazy bastard! You waltz in here, flop down your fat ass, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don’t you  realize that have a job and then I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??”

 the husband sighed and said, “Oh shit, its started.”

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March 17, 2007 by Dan White.

OMG… They really do walk among us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walked into a Burger KIng with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich.  I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said “buy one-get one free”.  ”They’re already buy-
one-get-one-free”, she said, “so I guess they’re both free”.
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

AND…….. they reproduce!

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February 27, 2007 by Dan White.

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
 
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 

“Gosh…if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.”
 
There was a fish in the water thinking,

“Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.”
 
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

“Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches
that fish will jump for the fly…
and I will grab the fish!!”
 
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich….
 
“Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes down three inches…
and that fish leaps for it…
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”
 
 

 
 
A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking,
 
 
“Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches…
and that fish jumps for that fly..
and that bear grabs for that fish..
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich.”
 
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
this particular river around lunch time)

“Gosh…if that fly goes down three inches..
and that fish jumps for that fly ..
and that bear grabs for that fish
and that hunter shoots that bear..
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.”
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

 
The fish swallows the fly…
 

The bear grabs the fish.. 
 

The hunter shoots the bear..
 

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich…
 
 
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks…

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

 
 
 

 some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
 

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January 26, 2007 by Dan White.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she  gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she  will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the  monthly bills during her lunch hour But, boys, we take ‘em for  better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman Jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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December 30, 2006 by Dan White.

There is nothing like the word “Shit” to express yourself…..

When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don’t give a shit! But somepeople will consider it as spam shit…
Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go.  Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.  But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head………..
Well, Shit Happens!!!

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December 24, 2006 by Dan White.

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December 19, 2006 by Dan White.

I can’t make my foot any smarter!! This is so funny! Try really hard!! Enjoy your holidays everyone!! How Smart is your Foot This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot … But you can’t!!! 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6″ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!! The proof is in the pudding! … And there is nothing you can do about it.

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December 6, 2006 by Dan White.

AND THAT’S A FACT!!!!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced

enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee..

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is

produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body

to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to

death!

(Creepy)

(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don’t try

this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to

its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

(”Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.  It’s like a human

jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people.

(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

 (What about that pig??)

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November 10, 2006 by Dan White.

An old Russian lady writes a letter to his son: “…I am too old to dig up our huge back yard to plant potatoes, and you are in jail - what should I do?”